I Choose Peace & I Choose Joy

I just had a rest that trumps all rests. I can not remember being so drained before in my entire life…no…this can not be the way…no.

All my life, even as a little girl, I have been in positions where I’ve had to fight or fly, always in the middle of some mess that ain’t even mines. I remember my mom and dad arguing and I was right there in the middle, I had to be no more than 4 or 5 and I remember both of them yelling at each other and trying to get me to be the arbitrator.

“Pucci tell him I was here!”

“Pucci tell her that I was there!”

And me just standing there trying to appease them both. And as I think on my earlier life, I really have chosen the fight instead of the flight…every time, even as a baby.

Am I a fighter? Heck no, a male friend of mines just told me I have zero combat skills lol that’s why I lock up with anxiety when I am forced with volatile situations I feel I need to respond to or give my energy to. All of the years I could have chosen to walk away as a child, I didn’t know how to. I didn’t know what it was to not be apart of chaos. Bullying children want blood, they are hurting too, they want a show, and for years I gave that. The world saw ME fighting but they didn’t have a clue what led up to that fight. The instigators knew how it went down, and perhaps even patted themselves on the back at being able to manipulate so craftily but at the same time my caring nature was dying…I was dying. I did that “step and fetch it” crap all the way up into my senior year in high school when they finally hit me with the rumor of me having AIDS and I would die before I graduated. This time while I was right there in the same room as they were. I just shut all the way down. I didn’t have another word to say, another topic to defend, I didn’t have anything left in me anymore. “I survived” was my feeling when I graduated high school. When John Essex High School closed down? I wanted to also burn it to the ground while dancing drunkenly naked under the moon light. It was my own private sanctuary to Hell on Earth. Good riddance.

College was much easier, a few snafus here and there but because I could lose myself in my work I breezed through that. After the protection of college though, reality hit again. My relationships were once again SEVERELY strained. Discord and chaos nipped at my heels CONSISTENTLY. I did the best I could. I remember one of my ex-best friends going berserk about something and I just stared at her as if she was the strangest creature in the world. As an adult, in that moment I realized, “Hey, Sharron you can walk away now.” I was about to head out of the door. Then all of a sudden a whisper, “Sharron she needs your Love.” So I stood there, let her go off and all of a sudden I hugged her. She wriggled and twisted beneath me but I didn’t let her go, I just hugged her and eventually she gave in and begin to cry and I knew then that half the things that people are beefing about, they don’t really care about, they just want someone to Love them through it all.

What a beautiful end to the story, however that level of love and dedication requires energy, a sacrifice of self, for the well-being of another. If I can not freely give my energy, time, space, even resources to another without draining myself, am I truly loving myself? am I truly loving them? Do I continue to give in order to help them heal or do I walk away? Or can both of our needs be met and everyone gets what they desire?

When I awoke just now I’ve decided that the path of Peace has always been my path, I just didn’t realize it. I’ve been right smack dab in the middle all these years for a reason. Being in the middle doesn’t mean I have to help anyone do anything, being in the middle does however allow me to show them Peace by being an example of it myself. No need to choose a side in the fight, I can let people know by my actions, “You dont have to study war anymore, there is another way. Let’s walk in Peace, its ok to let it go…walk with me or watch me walk away.” And when walking the path with others, if I offer my hand in Love (time, resources, advice, etc) it must be in an environment and/or manner that’s conducive to my growth and healing…not just theirs. If I can lend a hand I will, if I can offer support I will, however in the face of violence and chaos, if we can’t have a happy medium, I will choose to walk away…every time but this time I leave my door open for them to walk a path of Peace with me. And that decision is now OK for me. We don’t owe anyone our suffering because it’s the admirable thing to do, we have a choice. Some people are meant to be warriors, physically exerting and exhausting themselves, fighting in the gutters of life. However? Thats just not me. I’m a Lover, not a fighter.

So now I know that my journey of Peace is my true path, depending on the situation, I will always choose the path that leads to my higher good and purpose. I don’t owe anyone anything and they don’t owe me anything. We are all here doing the best we can with the wisdom we’ve gained in this life. I choose Peace, I choose Joy, please choose it with me or let me walk it alone.

Darkness to Light

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